Ateneans, La Sallites, Collegialas, Atbp.

Limang Collegialas

Limang Collegialas (Bohol Academy, St Theresa's, UP, Maryknoller, and Assumption) got together for lunch in a Filipino restaurant.

Common friends, not quite compleat gentlemen from Ateneo and La Salle, joined them momentarily and cracked a truly filthy joke with strong sexual overtones. Each one of the young ladies, in turn, reacted:

Bohol Academy

Sandali... pakiulit nga ulit, at paki-explain how did it became...

St Theresa's

Fainted...

Assumptionista

Blushed and giggled...

UP

"Elemental examples of a morally depraved society with anecdotes devoid of any socially or culturally redeeming value..."

Maryknoller

"Lumang luma na 'yan! Have you heard this one..."

Shortly after the dirty joke but before dessert and coffee were served, a "butiki" fell from the ceiling on to the table top. Each young lady, in turn, shrieked to their surprise:

Bohol Academy

Ayyyy! Butiki!

St Theresa's

Makes the sign of the Cross. Ohhhh, Lizard!

Maryknoller

Ohhhh, S**t... Lizard!

UP

Ahhhah! Piticus Lizardus!

Assumptionista

Hmmm! Lacoste!

A Murder Mystery

(To be solved solely on the basis of pure logic)

Mystery:

Who committed the murder?

Suspects:

The Humble Atenean

The Bright La Sallite

The Innocent Maryknoller

The Unaffected Assumptionista

The UP Graduate

Culprit:

The UP Graduate

Logic:

No such thing as a Humble Atenean or a Bright La Sallite or an Innocent Maryknoller or an Unaffected Assumptionista.

The Things We Learn in Grade School

Chance had it that an Atenean and a La Sallite were peeing in the Men's Room at the same time. The Atenean finished first and after a quick shake, zipped up and was about to quickly exit.

The La Sallite finished peeing immediately after, approached the sink, turned on the faucet, started to wash his hands and hurriedly shot a remark at the departing Atenean - "You must be an Atenean!"

The Atenean replied, "Why yes... You're right... But aside from the obvious markings on my jacket, how did you know?"

To which, the La Sallite answered rather haughtily, "I noticed - you didn't wash your hands after peeing. You see, we, La Sallites, were taught, very early in Grade School, to always wash our hands after we pee!"

And the Atenean replied somewhat sheepishly, "Oh... Well.. You see, we Ateneans were taught, very early in Grade School, never to pee in our hands..."

Nagpapalusot pa, ha...

For summer, kumukuha ng Organic Chemistry yung magkabarkadang LaSallista at Atenista sa UP. Bright naman yung dalawa kaya akala nila, patok na "1" sila pagdating ng final exams. "Sobra ang 'overconfidence' " nung dalawa kaya nung weekend bago nung final exams, e nag party yung dalawa na akala mo e walang kinabukasan. Sobrang enjoy yung dalawa, hindi sila nakagising nung Lunes ng umaga, sa madaling sabi - hindi sila nakakuha nung final exams.

Lumapit sa Professor yung dalawa at nagpaliwanag kung bakit hindi sila nakakuha ng final exams sa Organic Chemistry. Wika nila, "Na-flat tire kami, Sir... e, wala pa naman kaming spare tire tapos e nandoon pa naman kami sa liblib na walang paraang humingi ng tulong... Pasensiya na kayo, Sir...

Pumayag naman yung Professor kaya't tuwang tuwa yung magkabarkada at nag-high five pa sa isa't-isa. O, sige, sabi nung Professor... bukas ang inyong make-up exams.

Kinabukasan, napansin nung magkabarkada na naka-assign sila sa magkaibang kuwarto.

Binigyan sila ng tig-iisang test booklet at pinayagan na silang magsimula.

Ang unang problem na 10 points worth: "Describe the tri-carboxylic acid cycle from a molecular standpoint."

Okay lang 'to! sabi nung magkahiwalay na magkabarkada sa kani-kanilang sarili. 10 points lang. Puwede na!

Ang ikalawang problem na 90 points worth: "Which tire got flat?"

Choosing a Boyfriend

Three Collegialas were discussing their choices in the kind of guy one should date.

1st Collegiala: "If you want someone who's really handsome, get someone from La Salle."

2nd Collegiala: "Yeah, but if you want a date who's smart, you'll want someone from UP."

3rd Collegiala: "Of course if you want both, you'd want an Atenean."

3 College Buddies in front of the firing squad

The guard brings the UP activist forward and the executioner asks if he has any last request. He says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!! ..." Suddenly The UP activist yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. He escapes.

The guard brings the Atenean student leader forward and the executioner asks if he has any last request. He says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!!..." Suddenly, remembering what the UP activist did, the Atenean yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. He escapes.

By now, the LaSallite has it all figured out. The guard brings him forward and the executioner asks if he has any last request. He says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..." and the LaSallite yells, "FIRE!!!"

Where to Go for College

A Collegial Nativity Scene

A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass.

The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so.

Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men. La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man. Maryknoll reported that it couldn't come up with even a single virgin.

What should an Atenean do when a La Sallite hurls a grenade at him?

The Atenean should pick up the grenade, pull the firing pin and hurl it back at the La Sallite

Math Contest Examiner to La Sallite: Two plus two?
La Sallite: Por.

Math Contest Examiner to Atenean: Two plus two?
Atenean: Fivvvvvvvvehhh.

How do Lasallites count to ten?

-- One, two, three, another, another, another ...

DLSU and ADMU Final Exams

Have you ever wondered how you would have fared as either a La Sallite or an Atenean? Here's your chance to find out! Take either the La Salle Final Exams or the Ateneo Final Exams. Or take both and find out what makes each one tick (or not tick...).

University of the Philippines Business Math

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one peso. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Ateneo de Manila Business Math

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for PHPesos100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. However, he mobilizes all loggers to claim profits were higher so that his logging company would be ranked number 2 in the country. What is his profit?

La Salle Business Math

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for PHPesos100. His cost of production is PHPesos80 and his profit is PHPesos20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

COMP 101: RAON COMPUTER MANUFACTURING - How to buy antiquated computers in Raon, replace the motherboard, and resell the device for profit through deceptive classified advertising

COMP 102: WINDOWS 95 - Students will attempt to get Windows 95 running on LSU's computer system.

COMP 103: MEMORY LOSS - What to do when your RAM doesn't work or your hard drive crashes. Students required to provide their own hammers.

COMP 104: SOFTWARE INSTRUCTION MANUAL DIVINATION - How to translate software instruction manuals into plain English.

COMP 105: WAITING - Learning how to wait while on hold to a software company's technical assistance center is an extremely important aspect of modern computing.

Question: Why is the sky blue?

Answer: Because God is an Atenean.

Pasikatan ng Gradweyts

UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!

ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.

UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!

LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!

UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?

LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsieur del Rosario....

Why did the La Sallite drive around the block 57 times?

Because his turn signal was stuck.

A La Sallite walks into a MegaMall store and says: "Miss, I'd like a green parrot, please."

The salesgirl looks at him and asks: "Sir..., are you a Lasallite, by any chance?"

The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo naman natanong 'yan? If I ordered BLUE cheese, would you ask me if I were from Ateneo? I don't think so. If I bought a MAROON shirt, would you ask me if I were from UP? I' think not. So why then, when I want to buy a GREEN parrot, do you ask me if I'm from Lasalle???"

"Sir... kasi naman..." replied the salesgirl, "this is a flower shop, eh."

Nag-Hunting ang Barkada

Tatlong Magkaka-brakada: a La Sallite, a UPian, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to the cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"

The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.

So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask?

"Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."

Sa Job Interview ng Bagong Gradweyt na Collegiala

Isang bagong-gradweyt na Collegiala ang nag-aaply para sa isang secretarial job...

Wika nung Collegiala: "Sir... I am willing to work under you in any entry level position..."

Tanong tuloy sa Collegiala ng prospective boss niya: "Alam mo ba ang kinaibahan ng... Hmmmmm... 'screw' sa 'xerox'?

Sagot naman nung Collegiala: "Naku, sir... hindi ko po alam... hindi pa po ako 'na-xe-xerox', e... hihihihi...

Definition

The mathematics of expressing the sum of a man's appeal to women. For more than a handsome pair of X and Y chromosomes, there are indeed many other factors that size-up male magnetism such as a very persuasive "Peso"-nality that attracts women like a giant lodestone drawing fine metals to its folds. Image thus becomes a configuration of various non-facila and nonphysical pluses and minuses which fine-tune the cyber-picture of the Ideal Man.

Note: For the sake of the clueless, *pogi* is Filipino slang for guapo (handsome).

Transpo

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. The shortest time to reach a girl's house, er, heart is normally by flashing a car. Owning one is an automatic 10 pogi points. Chauffer-driven, plus 20 pogi points. Subtract 5 if it's the rinky-dinky type that regularly breaks down when going out on dates. Add 10 pogi points if brand new.

Add 20 more if it's a Japanese car and 50 if it's either a Benz or BMW. A Porsche is disqualified from earning points because anyone who owns one automatically becomes a Richard Gomez clone. No pogi points, sadly, for perennial pedestrians. Plus 30 pogi points, though, if you ride a mountain bike to school or work (health buffs are cool). If you happen to pedal through EDSA via pedicab, minus 50 pogi points.

Pedigree

Often suggests if the guy's gene pool has a tradition of success and excellence. If the family name smells of politics, add 10 pogi points. If it's a Marcos or crony-sounding name, subtract 50 pogi points. If the lineage could be traced to a Spanish friar, add another 10 pogi points (tisoy muy bien?).

If it's a taipan-sounding name, add 2 pogi points. No pogi points for ethnic-sounding family names.

Address

Where you live indicates how you live. If you're from Manila, you've got to be streetsmart. A Makati address suggests urbanidad. Alabang and Novaliches, a suburban, less stressful existence. Thus, a Makati address gets an automatic 5 pogi points, while an Alabang address an automatic 10 pogi points. If in Makati, Dasma, Magallanes or Forbes plus 20, San Lorenzo Village and San Antonio Village plus 10, Bel-Air plus 5, 10 pogi points for New Manila, Greenhills and Valle Verde. No pogi points for those who live in Corinthian Gardens because many houses there were reportedly built on hidden wealth. In QC, 10 pogi points for residents of White Plains, Blue Ridge, St. Ignatius, Xavierville, La Vista and Ayala Heights.

"Gillage (as in gilid ng village) people," no pogi points. No pogi points, too, for Looban, Gagalangin, Calumpang, San Andres Bukid, Tatalon Estate and Dasma (as in Cavite) residents.

High School

If we had a local Official Preppy Handbook, alumni of all-boys, old Catholic schools like La Salle and Ateneo would earn 30 pogi points. Graduates of UK and US prep schools, 20 pogi points (lamang lang sila sa Inglesan). Any other school abroad, plus 15 pogi points. Any other younger exclusive Catholic schools like Xavier, Don Bosco, Aquinas, and Southridge, 10 pogi points. Basta nakatapos ng high school, plus 5 pogi points.

Sports

If a guy is into soccer, plus 20 pogi points. Any racket sport (except pingpong and pelota), plus 15 pogi points. If engaging in not-so-popular sports like rowing, fencing and archery as well as sepak takraw, arnis, eskrima and sika-ran (indigenous sports are "in" dahil eksotik), plus 20 pogi points. For the golf enthusiast, plus 15 pogi points. Talent and skills in tong-its, minus 50 pogi points because it's too hoi polloi. No pogi points for basketball because three-fourths of men are PBA fanatics.

College Organization

Membership in AISEC and its local hybrids (like IBA and JMA) or any other socially-oriented org that has chapters in DLSU, Ateneo, Miriam, Assumption and UP, plus 5 pogi points because they have a conscience to speak of, now rare among college students.

Girlfriend

If the current squeeze or the former flame is a beauty titlist, an Absolut girl, or one of Manila's Five Prettiest, automatic 50 pogi points. A campus celebrity or a showbiz denizen, 40 pogi points. If the typical pretty colegiala, 30 pogi points. Any girl, plus 10 pogi points. A mainstay of "That's Entertainment," minus 100 pogi points.