To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his (sic) huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
Copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
Have dinner ready:
Prepare yourself:
Clear away the clutter:
Prepare the children:
Minimize all noise:
Some Do's and Don'ts:
Listen to him:
Make the evening his:
The goal:
The wife makes the rules.
The rules are subject to change by the wife at any time without prior notification.
No husband can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
If the wife suspects that the husband may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The wife is never wrong.
If the wife is wrong, it is because of an egregious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the husband did, said, did not do, or did not say.
If rule 6 is invoked, the husband must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the wife as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
The wife may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
The husband is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the wife which is given only in cases where the wife wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
The wife has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The husband is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the wife's being angry or upset. The wife may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the husband is paying attention. See rule 13.
The husband must remain calm at all times, unless the wife wants him to be angry or upset.
Under no circumstances may the wife give the husband any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
The husband is expected to read the mind of the wife at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the wife.
The wife may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spatial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the husband that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
The wife may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the husband has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other women, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
If the wife is experiencing PMS, post-PMS, or pre-PMS, then she is permitted to exhibit any manner of behavior she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the husband is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the wife, other external factors notwithstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men
"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so tough is that any and every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce, if the man answers incorrectly -- which is to say, dishonestly.
"What are you thinking?"
The correct answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first 10-wheeler trailer truck that came my way."It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another report was long overdue.
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girlfriend.
The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc. However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory-installed.
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford. The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
| Your age | Used or New |
|---|---|
| 13-18 years | New |
| 19-30 years | Lightly used |
| 31-45 years | Extensively used |
| 45+ | New*** |
| ***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids." | |
New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to open a checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
| Category | Comments |
|---|---|
| Goddess | This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all of the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. |
| Goddess-in-law | This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. |
| Ms. Right | The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long- term investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck. |
| Babe | This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. |
| Friend | The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor to fair depending on quality. |
| Yeah, Her | The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish. |
Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!
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