Jokes found in government buildings
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For some Star Trek humor head here -------> *
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the
fourth was a Government worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said,
"Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out
a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, What can your
dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said" Coffee Break, do
your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on
the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working
conditions,
put in for worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Everyone agreed that was awesome!
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
His dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
hell,And starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
They've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--
he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "when I am worried abaut getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took
the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his
office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 1O commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Keep in MIND
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
..Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
c:\WINDOWS95 c:\WINDOWS95\RUN PLEASE\RUN\WINDOWS95
<-------- The information went data way -------->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
.. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DEl] to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal
capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.
Here are some of my own.
These shoud be chanted.
Oh great computer, that's a mystery to me.
Why did you blow up when I pressed that key?
Oh great computer, with your parts galore
You are too heavy to thorow out the door.
Oh great computer, with your errors flashing
You just told me that my hard drive is crashing.
Oh great computer, I have one question to ask.
Can I reprogram you with my battle axe?
Oh great computer, what secrets do you hide?
Computer: I'm keeping Jimmy Hoffa locked up inside.
The Oldest Profession in the World
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about
what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in
the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This
clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest
profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier in the
book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and then said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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